What a funky state I am currently in. I feel light, but heavy. I feel optimistic but see the glass half empty. I feel proud with a side of shame. I feel inspired with a big ole helping of tired. I feel free but limited only by what my eye can see.
That wasn’t meant to be a poem but hey look what plopped out above 🙂
While sitting on the airplane today, I became aware and clear to my suppressed need for attention and love. I’ve had insane food cravings the last few weeks, hunger for male attention and affection, and restless beyond words to just get up and GO somewhere.
In the past, I would do just that. I’d get up and leave town. Go travel to a different city, or country alone. The first few years of my modeling career fed my soul’s restless itch to constantly be on the move. I’d be in a different city or country every few months. Changing homes, changing friend groups, changing the surface level identity of myself to those around me.
Change. Change. Change.
These times during consistently up rooting of my life, also brought the sadness, most lonely, sometimes depressing moments as well. Alone in an apartment complex in a foreign country. Alone on the train. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with… food and alcohol.
Alone. Alone. Alone.
I’ve shared this with my closest friends but I use to binge eat like no body’s would have imagined. Feeling lonely without quality time of friends and family brought on the need to fill that gap with sugary dopamine producing foods.
I’ve laid roots in Los Angeles the last three and a half years. I can happily say that with those first 2-3 years of major highs and lows, I have been pretty steady and content until recently.
In life, it seems we are always looking at our neighbor’s grass. What do they have. How green is their yard. Taking the focus off of our own yard, causing one to be discontent. Is it possible to be able to maybe trick ourselves into content-ness? (Is that a word)
For how long do we fight the urge to choose “bad” foods? For how long do we fight the urge to seek out that attention we crave deep inside, but also know we may regret our choices further on down the road?
I generally like to end my postings with a positive closing thought or idea. However, tonight I feel the space needs to be left open. Open for those reading to share how they fill their own cup with love, support and tenderness. I’m dying to hear from you.. 🙂
Remember…. you’re not alone. 🙂
Photo by Gordon Hight