When Not Caring Leaves You Lonely

“The one who cares less has the power”

I remember reading this quote on my phone in high school. I was sprawled out on my parents bedroom floor, frustrated and drained by an argument I was having with my best friend.

Throughout Middle School and High School, I had unconsciously operated from a place of not caring what other people think, do or say to me. I didn’t care if my friend was mad at me. I didn’t care if I wasn’t invited to a party that everyone was attending and I wasn’t. I didn’t care that I made B team, and SHE made A team. 

My not caring attitude sat at the foot of my bed one morning last summer, questioning it’s role in my life. I woke up feeling SO jealous, left out, and down about a multitude of events that had happened that week. The icing on the cake was stressing about whether or not i’d get that text message from my friend inviting me to that evenings hot Hollywood party. Would it be worth it? Do I really even want to go? I NEED to go. To have stories, to meet people, to network, to have FUN. 

A realization came through that telling myself I didn’t care what the outcome of the series of uncomfortable events was just a cover. A cover to mask how much I really DID care. A cover to mask the uncomfortable feelings. The jealously, the vulnerability, the anxiety of trying to control things that I really had no control over.  

With this realization came even MORE anxiety. Oh shit, I thought to myself. This f*** it attitude may not actually be serving me. I felt lonely. Isolated. Empty. Within myself and when I was around others. 

As we are all always a work in progress, I noted this cover tactic. What would it look like to CARE? To feel all of my feelings, good, bad, alone, depressed, ecstatic, joyful, and loved. 

I’ve found my safe corner lately, old patterns really do die hard as they say. 

My brain tells me, “I don’t care.”

My heart tells me, “Yes my dear, you care more than you would like to feel and admit seeing.”

A work in progress…………