I still here at the kitchen table of my altered reality. Hands trembling from the sugar that has entered my system.
My head has that “floating” feeling going on where my vision is a bit blurred. My brain has hushed the “fight or flight” mode that has been TAKING OVER my being the last few months…..
It’s funny…here I am in my life with one of the worlds financially supportive jobs. Living in a city of dreams near the water. The last few months I have been crunching numbers, crunching my feelings, adding and subtracting moments and meetings. What do I need to do here, to get to there. What should I say to get my way? Or is that my way? Seems to change every second of every day.
One thing I do know… change is constant. Growth is constant. In a world where we want everything to happen at the drop of a dime, shit’s happening whether we spend our entire being thinking about it, or not.
We’re all on the same journey, with different paths leading us to different ledges and peaks.
At the end of the day we all want connection, warmth, validation, love, sex, novelty, experiences.. and so on.
In those times where, on paper, I feel like I’m loosing my shit. I’m not being “smart.”
THAT’S actually when everything starts to come to the surface. Faces, people, conversations, opportunities. Clarity.
And so I embrace it all. I embrace and am conscious that last spring I got very hard core and serious about my diet. Taking away the joy of going out with friends, being “lose” with my schedule and not going with the flow. My time was calling to buckle down, losing some itches around my waist and weight for work, and get it done. I didn’t question it. I didn’t complain about it. I had work to do to get a certain result.
Guess what? As the moment peaks high on the mountain and you think you’ve made it? You’re eventually going to come back to to see what else is around. We’re wired that way as human beings.
I came way back down this weekend…. not rock bottom…. but definitely back down.
Squeezed by my need to band aide hurt and rejection felt by a man I was virtually dating and fantasizing about…..
I soberly took myself to McDonald’s Friday night at 2:35am… and ordered a large french fry. Those babies came out HOT and FRESH. Last time I had McDonald’s? Probably over a year ago. It was greasy heaven.
That next morning, I followed up with a sugary, chocolate carb filled pancake. Hellllllo racing heart.
30 minutes later I Uber and order of chips and guac from Chipotle to the house. Best $10 ever spent.
Later that day while attending a pool party, I consumed 3 pieces of pizza, a beer. 3 more drinks throughout the night and topped the night off with 11pm Sushi and half a pint of ice cream.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, dang this guy really tipped the ice berg for you like that? Hell no. I didn’t give that much of my emotional power away to this playboy. The train has been coming down the mountain for weeks, this was my excuse to myself to hop on off that train and indulge, baby.
There’s a loneliness and void felt among a lot of people in this city… and I opened myself up to another persons word to let them show me who they were. In my every day life, that doesn’t always happen. I have judgements and strong opinions of who I think someone is… and so I stay always on guard, closed off and reserved.
Did he let me down? Yes. He said he was one person and turned out to be the entirety of the person I originally thought him to be.
People will show you who they are. They will tell you who they are as well. It’s usually when they’re saying “Oh I am not this monster, I am not this person.” and that’s exactly who they are 🙂
Did I let myself down on giving over control to food and external stimulation this weekend? Hmmm… I’d say not. I gave myself permission to.
Moral of this posting. You’re doing fucking great people. You can read books, follow the rules, stay in your lane. But the REAL opportunities, experience and happen outside of the lines.
Food. Boys. Fun. Let downs. Sugar highs. Sugar lows.