Can you believe it’s already November? Honestly where does the time go???
I’ve been itching to write out my thoughts on fear…it drips into our bodies while moving about our every day life.
Does it Motivate or Debilitate?
I’ve measured my life by the period of when I became conscious of my thoughts, my body, my emotions. Awareness, really, to how everything we think, feel, experience is all through the eyes of our own unique perspective. Not a single person on this plant see’s their life as the person sitting next to them.
We all have our own set of rules, filters, reasons, emotions and reactions to what comes and goes in our life. Our very being, is all perceived in how we see it.
My consciousness started 6 years ago, at the age of 20, when I first started modeling. It was the first time I really became aware of my appearance, body shape etc. I became calculated in my mind on how to get my body to look a certain way, as to what the industry was wanting. I had never told myself, “No” before to any type of food. Chips, cookies, pizza, salad, ice cream. You name, I ate it.
So, fear of not being accepted into the industry bookings jobs etc, became at the forefront of my mind.Thus started the journey of awareness on how foods affected my body, my waist. Everything.
Fast forward to now, and I am hyper aware of how I control my happiness through food and diet. I go through 5-6 month periods of “relaxing” and eating as my body pleases. To, “GO” mode and grinding it out in the gym and trying all the diets.
I’ve lately be in the realm of listening to what my body wants. A salad. A cookie. Limited restriction. But that fear is still there. Fear that I will loose my job. Fear that I will become a different version of myself.
Thus the fear spreads into every part of my body. Fear of dying, fear of aging, fear of getting sick. Small things too……
Fear of being late to work = losing job = not being able to provide for myself.
Fear of saying the wrong thing= loosing friends and family= feeling lonely and lost in the world.
Fear of being too old to model and have envy on the youth.
Fear of being trapped in a life that does not feed my soul, heart and happiness.
And my favorite… fearing events, emotions and things that HAVE NOT HAPPENED YET.
It’s all calculations, just as I have used to diet and get my body to a specific weight.
And my calculations spill over into my emotions and every day being. In one day, we can experience 20 different emotions. Good. Bad. Happy. Jealous. Sad. Mad. Angry. Trapped.
Some days fear feels debilitating. Trapped in my mind. Trapped in my body. Trapped in my feelings and thoughts. It makes me feel tired, weak, and mentally “heavy”.
So what’s one to do? Journal… go for walks… .talk to people….enjoy the flow of life and try to live in the moment as best possible. You’re not always going to be in fight or flight mode, right?…….